I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
