Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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