she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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