I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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