well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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