will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
