she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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