I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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