i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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