to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
