the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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