If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
