you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
