my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
a search helicopter?!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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