i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
