i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
