i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
