i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
