the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
