i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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