Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
