So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
