While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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