I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
In America we eat man semen.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
