It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
