yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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