she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
