Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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