Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
