low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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