I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
