Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Randomize
