I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
