Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
