the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
