I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
