god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
