Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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