even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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