I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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