I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just threw up on my dentist
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
