Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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