I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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