4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
