ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
