his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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