I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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