Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
