There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
