I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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